Seeing as its mental health awareness week I wanted to share my own struggle in the hopes that it may help someone else.
In 2014, I witnessed the loss of my partner in a street attack, where he was hit from behind with a sickle and died instantly.
I had spent 7 years of my life with this beautiful person, growing up together, navigating life’s ups and downs, over coming addiction, living together, working and pushing each other for a better life and losing him was hands down one of the hardest things I will ever go through in my life.
The days and weeks after we lost him were a blur for me, I didn’t eat, I spent countless hours crying until I didn’t have any more tears, I felt numb, lost hopeless, many times I contemplated taking my own life as my life just seemed so pointless. I would sit in bed and cry and speak out loud like I was talking to Connor and tell him how much I missed him and wanted him to come back.
I also felt many times like what I was feeling was nothing compared to what his family must have been going thought, and internally told myself feel like I was being self-centred and selfish for feeling so broken.
After about 3 months I tried antidepressants and I began to experience some moments of joy, but I always felt so guilty afterwards why was I allowed to be happy and yet Connor wasn’t even allowed to be with us. It seemed wrong to be able to smile and laugh after such a sadness and this is when I really started being cruel to myself. I fought hugely with myself over what I felt in my heart and what I knew in my mind, and it was a daily struggle.
Some days or weeks I barely left the bed, I smoked a lot of pot (I preferred this over sleeping pills) and lived in my pyjamas. Running a bog about health and wellness also added pressure for me because everything I usually did for myself went out the window, I didn’t care about myself at all.
It was by chance and luck that my biological dad lived in Greece and I decided to get away from New Zealand and everything that reminded me of my life with Connor and go and visit him. This is when I really started to feel hopeful for my life again, travel and getting away from the bubble that I was trapped in, all the constant reminders and memories helped me a huge deal. I stopped taking anti-depressants, I spent more time talking about my feelings, being out side in nature, meditating, and walking along the beach.
I realised that Connor will never leave me, and that even though It breaks my heart that he’s not with us anymore, he will forever guide me and keep me safe in my life.
I guess my point is that it could’ve gone either way for me, if I didn’t have the amazing support from my family, Connors and my friends I may have never come back from that dark place of not wanting to be around anymore, and if you are in that place please reach out to someone because you can’t feel like that forever.
Ask for help there is no shame is telling someone your drowning. None. If you don’t have the power to do it for yourself do it for your friends and family and if you think you don’t have either do it for ME. You are special you are unique and you have something none else has…. you are you.
Please call lifeline if you’re feeling down or need someone to talk to 0800543354