Growing up in the public eye I learnt what to share and not to share about my life from a very young age through watching my dad and how he conducted himself in his business and private life. I have carried these lessons on with me in my adult life, sometimes out of not wanting to be judged or have my personal life out there. I have picked and chosen what I consider valuable to share with my following.
My general rule is that if I think it can help others I’m prepared to put my own feelings aside and speak about it.
My dad worked in current affairs, he was not a health and wellness advocate and while I started my blog in the health and wellness sector I think its moved on a little from that to now encompass all areas of lifestyle and life experience as things have changed and happened in my life. For me this is just an authentic and natural progression. As I change and grow my blog changes and grows along with me.
I advocate doing your best, living an 80/20 lifestyle, making changes where you can, not using strict labels like “vegan”, building up, being kind understanding and supporting others, equality of the sexes, and fairness for animals.
Are there things I choose not to share with my following, yes. Because they are either too private or I don’t think they are relevant, i don’t have anything I am ashamed and embarrassed about that hasn’t already been written about by the NZ media. I own my actions, i don’t have a problem to say ok i was wrong when i did that, and change my behaviour, but yes it takes me time and learning to do things independently can be hard.
I’m a very open person, I don’t hide things, but having a blog and constantly tossing up between sharing each little struggle and taking the time to really deal with my issues before I write about them is an ongoing battle for me. When I was asked to write about my drug addiction this problem was the first that came to mind, how could I write about my drug addiction first and not address this issue.
I have wanted to write about this topic for the longest time, I’ve struggled with it since my dad got sick and I still haven’t fully cut it out of my life, and now it feels like I’m lying to you all by keeping it from you and I just need to get it out and write about it.
Cigarettes and smoking.
I tried my first cigarette (stolen from my dad) probably around the age of 13-14, we would pinch his Marlborough Lights and go to the park close to my house to bum puff them…. Smoking has always been in my family or around me growing up and as a teenager, I smoked for many years during my addiction and managed to give up when I got clean and sober.
When my dad found out he was terminal and he told the family it broke a part of me, I felt self-destructive I struggled with this for months, I was lost angry and hurt.
When I moved down to dad’s house to live and care for him in his last days, Deborah (my dad’s wife) and I started going once a day out behind the chicken coup and smoking a cigarette, for me this was the time of the day to get away and relax where I could escape and try and forget the upset of each day watching dad get worse and worse, and as the days passed we would go more often out to the chicken coup.
So, this was how it started, after this if I experienced any sort of stressful situation I would feel the need to smoke….
If I had a big fight with Connor… smoke.
Hit my car…. smoke.
Sad day thinking about dad…. smoke,
until I became addicted and I was doing it all the time, I stopped and started many times. I tried champix which worked well and then had about 8 months’ smoke free until Connor passed away.
I remember standing outside the hospital after the nurses had told us he was gone, and just asking people for a cigarette, I NEEDED it. For the next two weeks, I lived off cups of tea and cigarettes and joints at night to help me sleep. Since then smoking has been in my life on and off. In the last year, I guess you could say I turned my emotional smoking into an excuse for my full-blown addiction to nicotine, I told myself “ok it’s my dirty little secret, I only have one…. it’s fine millie! you care for your body in so many other ways this tiny thing doesn’t matter” but it fucking matters, I don’t like it, I know how fucking disgusting it is for my body.
And while I would prefer to write this article from the angle of “I beat my smoking addiction’ I’m not quite there yet; I’m not smoking every day just on occasion. I am working on it, I suppose this article is a coming clean for me because I feel so much guilt about this, it’s an emotionally rooted issue that I have and I need to deal with it, and I am but in my own way.
Im sure some of you are thinking isn’t this the girl who gave up meth? And your right I did but I had a huge amount of help, I didn’t actually want to stop when I did, some circumstances happened and connor decided he wanted us to stop. But that’s a whole other blog post…
Things that have helped me cut down and reducing my smoking are avoiding stressful situations. When stress does rear its head, being close to someone to speak out about it is my #1
Not drinking, smoking and drinking are like avocado and toast so reducing the amount i go out and drink has helped me hugely.
Not buying cigarettes, not having them available or close at hand is huge for me this has helped me a lot.
Breaking the smoking morning coffee ritual. I used to smoke with my morning coffee and stopping coffee helped me to deal with this a lot, subbing my morning coffee for apple cider vinegar and lemon and 1L of water was a huge benefit.
Having friends who don’t smoke, this was standard before I moved to Greece so it was so easy not to feel pressure but now living in Europe where everyone smokes it’s a little harder, I’m lucky that the smell of cigarettes makes me feel ill now but initially when I moved to Greece and I was still dealing with a lot of grief it was hard.
I’m worried to take champix again after reading some of the side effects and in general just being weary of pharmaceuticals, but at this point I just want to stop feeling that I have a dependence on something to relieve stress.
I guess what I am asking is does this change the way you feel about me as a person. I never have never tried to be perfect or better than anyone else, I have been very upfront about my addiction, and life experiences, I try to be as real as possible and I guess I’m am just sorry it has taken me this long to speak about it, clearly the shame is deeply rooted. If you decide to unfollow me for this that’s totally fine, but I feel so much better now getting this off my chest and being upfront with you all about this. I would love any tips advice or help you can suggest also.
Thank you xxxx M
71 comments
This totally doesn’t change you as a person in my opinion just makes you even more awesome and more human! Until someone has walked a day in your life no one can judge. I have on and off smoked all my life. It’s one of those things that is very hard to stop especially in times of stress (or when extremely hammered) fuck the haters you’re still awesome in my book!
Millie, thanks for sharing, it changes nothing for me, you are a lovely human and you inspire me, and reading your blogs and following your posts is a privilege. I was interested in what you were saying and shared it with my hubby who had a similar life journey and relationship with fags.. He could relate to loads of what you said… He has now not smoked for 17 years. Carl, said its so harsh and he went through military training that was easier but said keep trying cause you are obviously on the right track. Much love and peace M, you deserve it x
It took me soo many failures to quit smoking and I think the only reason I was successful was because I quit when I fell pregnant with my first child. But after I had finished breastfeeding I went for drinks a couple of times and just like that started smoking again. The guilt is soo much worse when you add a child to the mix. Then I quit again before I fell pregnant with my second child who has just turned one, she has recently self weaned from breastfeeding and I find myself too scared to drink alcohol for fear that I will start smoking again. Do you ever leave addiction behind and quit forever, even when you haven’t had a cigarette for two years, the feeling that you want one doesnt go away it’s just easier to resist when you don’t have a physical nicotine addiction.
First up ” does this change the way you feel about me as a person.”” if it does they aren’t worth caring about Millie. I have no magic cure as I too am a smoker who has never tried to stop it’s just part of me sorry not sorry 😊 However I hope you can kick the habit because you want to not because others want this of you 😊
Hi Millie,
I’ve been following you on Facebook for a few years and on snap for the last few months. I love following your journey and watching your snaps! I wish I could write as beautiful as you but just know I’m in the same boat as you, although I don’t smoke because of stress I smoke because I want to! I can go days/weeks without one but I almost feeling guilt from not having one because “why the fuck not”! I rearly drink, even more rearly do I do drugs. I don’t go shopping for clothes and shoes every week, I do all the right things, crossfit daily, eat a balanced diet, work full time, study full time! I feel lik if I want a cigarette when I want a cigarette then I deserve to have one! Don’t get me wrong, I can see the disgusting side of it, I also understand it’s not good for your health blah blah blah (neither is maccas and processed meats according to health organisations)
I say “do you”! I think life’s all about balance and where is the balance if your not smoking lol
Ps. My mum passed away from lunge cancer almost 5 years ago caused by cigarettes.. I also had a close friend that past away from lunge cancer coming up to 16 years ago which had nothing to do with cigarettes.. what will be will be❤️
You do you hun and people will take what they need! Love hearing of your struggles and overcoming them and some things you use like cups, shatki and skin care but oh hey dairy farmer here so unfortunately lots of animal products – it’s our livelihood. But that’s OK! Good luck xxx
No Millie, it does not change my opinion of you. I had stopped smoking for 8 years then started again and secretly smoked for 5 years. I have stopped now for about 4 years and I still think about how I would like one, however I can think that and not have one if that makes sense. The thing that helped me the first time was reading the book Alan Carr’s Quit Smoking book. I think it is called Alan Carr’s easy way to Quit Smoking. Have a good day/night.
Hi Millie, I’m going through the same thing. I gave up for four years, then I went through a stressful period last year I brought a packet of smokes. I thought it would make me feel sick but I felt like I was “coming home”. I have about five cigarettes a day and nobody knows. It’s my dirty secret that I am so ashamed of. I beat myself all the time for buying that first pack -and I’m so disappointed in myself. Thank you for sharing. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one going through this ongoing struggle
Millie your my idol, just keep doing you gf.
Mine too x
You’re amazing! I used to smoke and don’t now but I know how hard it is to stop. My partner used Champix successfully recently but you do what works for you. We all have secrets, we are after all only human. Big deal if you have a cheeky ciggie. ✌🏻️❤️
OMG Millie this does not make you a shit person. I am currently in the process of giving up smoking and ohhh my lord it is tough. I too had a problem with Meth about 15 years ago and kicked that but smoking is something else I wouldn’t say kicking meth was easy but I guess smoking is my security for so many emotions. So good for you you will get there in your own way in your own time!!!!
God I just love you and your honesty Millie. Don’t be ashamed for smoking, we all have our things (mine being sugar arghhhhh) but do you know what WHO FUCKING CARES. You are the Queen if your own life and if you wanna have a sneaky smoke then do it…. Super cliche but when your ready you will just stop. I started when I was 16 and gave up on new years day this year, smoked about 8 cigarettes a day and just decided nah I’ve had enough and haven’t touched one since.
Keeping being the beautiful queen you are my love 🌹
No this does not change the way I see you. Not everyone is perfect, people struggle from time to time! Reading your blogs gives me insight into actual real life situations, so they are very relatable for me, and probably 90% off your followers. You are a strong women and the fact that you have already uncovered the deep emotional root on how you began you are halfway there. We are all human, and you are an amazing one! Keep up the excellent blogs and snapstories 😉 xx
You’re a beautiful person and just a normal gal trying to make the sun brighter in this cruel world. Xxx
Would you consider buying a vape? my partner got me one of the square-mod looking ones and I haven’t wanted to smoke AT ALL since I got it. I was SERIOUSLY addicted and it was really getting me down because I felt it had a lot of power over me and what I did. I now can drink and hang out with all of my smoker friends and not crave a cig at all. I have the lowest amount of nicotine you can get in them and it’s been the best choice ever! You’re strong Chick, no matter what way you go about it, I have no doubts that you will succeed quitting.
If anyone wanted to stop following you for that and completely turned against you for that that is their loss. I hate smoking personally but am surrounded by it my partner of 10 years smokes and has the whole time, his whole family smoke and I’m around them an awful lot. It’s a bad habit yes and makes me sad to know the damage they are doing to their bodies but it doesn’t change my love for them. It is just something you accept and keep doing your own thing. Being around a tonne of smokers hasn’t changed me into a smoker, but yes on occasion I would socially smoke when I drank which I then stopped doing as I felt like it made my hangover so much worse the next day lol. You have changed an incredible amount and you are taking one step at a time, do not be too hard on yourself you are an amazing person. But I do believe you can give up because you are one of the strongest people I have ever seen.
It doesn’t change my opinion of you at all. We are all, each one of us, a work in progress. I just think you’re amazing for what you’ve achieved and managed and lived through.
Amazing blog Millie! I think you have overcome so much and your resilience and strength is commendable, well done girl! I too have this type of behaviour and pattern with smoking….. so I completely relate to this blog 😂😂👍💜 Stay strong and awesome!
Hi Millie, this does not change my opinion of you at all, in fact it makes me feel a little better that someone who lives as clean as you has a little slip up every now and then!
I used to smoke for the same reasons but I gave up before having kids, I have no desire to restart but now I stress/emotional eat and I feel just as guilty as I did when I used smoking to cope, because I am already overweight so I know it is not healthy to do this.
I’ve become so much more aware I am doing it and getting better at managing with distraction of music, tv, reading etc but sometimes I am so far gone with stress or upset I just think fuck it and it falls apart!
Anyway I think we are all a work in progress so thank you for being honest about your struggle x
Certainly does NOT change the way I view you or cloud what you are trying to achieve by sharing your experiences to help us all feel comfortable in our own skin. That means embracing the things we wish to change, our mistakes etc… none of us are perfect.
Oh god no big deal considering what you’ve been through in life there’s worst things out there if it helps you now and again go for it millie do things at your own space .I used to smoke for years 2paks a day than I started cutting back to 1pack than 10 cigarettes than 1 a day than I never bought them again been 7years now ,don’t feel bad it’s only cigarettes .
If anything this only makes me respect you more than I already do Millie, we all have our struggles in treating our bodies he way we are committed too, whether it be food, exercise, smoking, alcohol, drugs etc. Knowing you have your own battles and can be upfront about it just makes you human and relatable. I’ve quit smoking a few times and still have the occasional social smoke now and then get the guilts the next day! But I’m learning to just love myself and if I fall off the wagon (be it eating or smoking) then it’s ok and I can reset without guilt and anger at myself. I love you for your honesty Millie and you have nothing to feel bad about by sharing your honest truth, those that judge you badly for that should probably take a look at their own lives as we all have things we deal with!
Brave Girl Millie 😊 such pain in you. Keep going. Your vulnerability touches people in a world that only generally puts the good bits out there. Happy healing xxx
You’ll give up when you’re ready. I smoked on and off from the age of 15 to 40. Eventually I just wanted to give up and I haven’t looked back. Be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack.
No change in opinion, I’ve followed you for a while and I think i just assumed you smoked sometimes anyway for some reason. I am currently 6 months smokefree and loving it, like you I started as a teenager. I was nervous to quit as I assumed it was a big part of me and my identity – turns out it isn’t. I used the Alan Carr book, easyway to quit smoking, and it really was, the hardest part was deciding I was actually going to quit, not the quitting itself. Couldn’t recommend the book more, completely changed how I looked at it, and didn’t have any of the withdrawals or issues I’d had trying to quit in the past, by the end of the book i was excited to quit, and I’ve never looked back. For the record I’m inspired far more by honest bloggers than the ones who try to pain a perfect picture or lifestyle that isn’t attainable. Keep doing you beautiful xx
Thank you so much for posting this because it makes me feel so normal to be able to relate to someone else and the habit you want to quit, but it’s so hard! I’ve been an on and off smoker for the last 10 years since I was in high school. Same as you, used to bum puff until someone taught me the “proper” way and then it was whenever i was drinking and someone had some, to eventually buying my own for nights out and then when my job was taking a toll on my health and creating such a stress that the only control I felt I had was to smoke. I’ve done much the same as you by cutting out the drinking and avoiding the people that were either triggers (quit the bad job, started going to the gym) and not hanging around smokers. The smell makes me pretty nauseous now but I still have relapses every now and again but I try not to see it as a failure, just a point to start from again and only go up from. A friend recently lost her brother to suicide and she had been smoke free for 2 years until she found out and her partner 5 years, but when her brother passed they started again as a comfort thing. I totally get it – I don’t believe they will go back to their old habits permanently, I just think that as humans we have a natural instinct to fall back into comfortable routines but when we are ready, we can break the habit and start fresh. No one is fucking perfect!
I am constantly inspired by you as a person – I’ve been following you since you started up clean eatz and watching the way you handle every day life is super inspiring. I love your no bullshit, realistic, true to yourself way of living and I think you’re such an amazing person 🙂
Smoking is harder to give up than any drugs, it is by far one of the most addictive habits. I gave up 5 years ago, went cold turkey, the one thing that I always said aloud was that ‘I DON”T SMOKE” never that I was giving up. Even now I feel I could pick up a smoke and start again but I always go back to that phrase. Good on you its bloody hard
One day at a time aye…:) I have a personal dislike being around smokers because the smell makes me feel quite ill. But hey…you’re dealing with it and in context it means diggly squat:)
Absolutely not! We all have something! Being an ex smoker, I completely understand how hard it is. Geez, 5 years on I still feel like a smoke sometimes! You just have to be aware of it (just like any other addiction i guess)
You’re amazing Millie and being an occasional smoker doesn’t change that. Anyone that try’s to tell you other wise has clearly never been addicted to anything! Or they are just so perfect they can’t see past anyone else’s imperfections 🙄 You’ll give it up, or you won’t….. don’t put too much pressure on yourself.
I know you never asked to be, but for so many people you are such an amazing role model. You don’t preach, you are informative and knowledgeable on a great many subjects and above all else you are so honest about every aspect of your life. Being a role model is not about being perfect it’s about constantly trying to better yourself and showing others that it’s okay to slip up, it’s okay to make mistakes but you just have to pick yourself up and carry on, every day is a new day and Millie, you are a testament to that. Keep on keeping on, you are a brilliant human being. X
Hi Millie.. I just wanted you to know that yes, this does changes my opinion of you.. as after reading this, I now have a new level of respect for you. I can totally relate to what you have said here. I too have freed myself from the iron grip of a daily meth habit. Twice, as a matter of fact.. seven years meth free and I relapsed, big time. Getting off it second time round was a struggle unlike any other.. but I got through, came out the other side. It was a hard road to traverse though, as I’m sure you know well.. truth be told, it still is. I still frequently crave that high and could quite easily fall back into that scene. Yet I’ve decided to give up cigarettes countless times but never actually got there. So what’s the difference then, between giving up ciggis and meth.. surely giving up cigarettes after kicking meth should be easy, right? Yeah, you’d think so. For me, I think that when it came to quitting meth deep down I really WANTED to stop.. and that desire slowly grew within until my will was strong enough to start gradually reducing my intake, eventually overcoming the addiction. Ciggis however, remain a vice to this day.. in a way I guess my heart isn’t really in quitting.. I too use smoking as a coping mechanism for dealing with my emotions.. can find countless ways to justify continuing smoking to myself, though the habit is filthy, no doubt. Of course, I am well aware of the multiple reasons I should give the smokes up. I don’t smoke as much as I used to, so in that, I have taken the first small steps, reducing the amount I smoke.. but I still cling fiercely to the habit, and if I have a bad day or am feeling stressed, I will fall back on chain smoking. I guess I am not yet at a point where I truly WANT to quit smoking.. just thinking about cutting down makes me feel extremely anxious, thinking about fully quitting can put me in full panic mode, it actually makes me feel like I need a ciggi – “to help calm myself down”. Yes, that is hard to admit.. and yes, it makes me feel ashamed, weak and overwhelmingly guilty.. for inflicting more poison on my poor body, which surely has been through enough already.. for not practising what I preach, as I advocate living a wholesome and spiritual lifestyle. I don’t drink town supply tap water or eat non-organically grown foods.. I meditate daily, help empower others.. but I still smoke cigarettes? It just doesn’t seem to add up somehow, right.. So thank you Millie, for sharing. I can’t really offer advice on this topic but can offer my support.. just know, you are not the only one in that boat. But you and me, we have another thing in common.. we are both warriors – fighting battles is what we were born to do, and we have both conquered worse. Giving up smoking may be on the distant horizon for now but just by talking about it, know that we have already set course. We will get there one day Millie, you and me both. ‘Til then – safe sailing, my friend x
We are all on our own journey and this is just part of yours. No judgment, just peace & love ✌
Tēnā koe Millie; find peace and forgiveness within you, that’s what matters most. People come and go and social media and blogging is not life, it’s a snippet of a time or a moment. When you forgive yourself, questions like the one asked won’t be asked as you will already have sought answer. Kia kaha a hoa. Mouriora
Thank you for always being so upfront and honest. It is so refreshing!!! We are all human and we all have flaws that evolve and change as we grow and learn. It’s nice to feel that perhaps it’s okay to actually talk about them and to ask for advice/help rather than be ashamed and hide them away. Have you ever read Allen Carr’s “The easy way to quit smoking”? It worked for me – smoke free for 12 years now. All best and thank you again, you are an amazing role model, particularly for young women.
From the public eye positively then negatively and finishing it positively…ur one awesome strong woman millie…none of us are perfect at all..perfection isnt perceived as having the perfect life its the way we chose to live our lives and how we make right the wrongs we did..but mostly being happy and content with whats infront of us…their will always be naysayers and haters and always those who help bring us back up when we fall…i love reading ur blogs and never really comment..but u shared something so intimate and private i just had to reply…i too have struggled with quitting smoking..its not easy..ive been smoking 28yrs now i was young as when i puffed my first fag..i feel me getting sick and splurting my rings every time i smoke,asthma plays up more these days and my kids always say “thats so disgusting u should quit mama” i try i try hard but always fail…i havent stopped trying and hope i succeed..like u i try replacing my norms with alternatives just to revert back to the norms..i find since ive been unable to train the way i could before my knee op my smoking has picked up heaps…i look at my runners look at my diet my packet of fags and i always pick the fags….then i do something like this and comment or write about my struggles and reread it and all i see is me making excuses lol….real tho…struggles are real regardless of what they are..but slowly and surely we do overcome them…ur an inspiration millie,the journeys u have been on and overcome,the hurt and the triumphs…ur amazing xx
Millie, you are human! Everyone has and does things they are proud of and those they are not proud of! Hey at least you are giving it a good crack to try n stop! We all have our demons and you are open and honest and sooo helpful to us your followers… no one should ask for more … or less! I still love a cigarette with wine and good friends but my husband hates it so have not smoked in the 10 yrs I have been with him !
😊
I recently started smoking again. Just one a day in my lunch break or if I’m at the pub. But like you stress is my trigger and I’ve been so stressed out and depressed in the last few months it’s just happened. I hadn’t smoked for 10 years before this. So if anything I’m thankful you shared cos it makes me feel better about my little secret too.
Your awesome Millie… so raw! So real! Have you tried the quit smoking book by Alan Carrs. I’ve heard that been super effective! Xx
I think you are amazing! I work in the field of AoD and I take my hat off to you and what you have achieved thus far….keep doing what ya doing cuz your doing great!
“I never have never tried to be perfect or better than anyone else” – Millie, this is my favourite thing about you, and is exactly why I have continued to follow you. I’m not saying others writing about food/health/lifestyle aim to portray a perfect life, but a lot certainly come across that way. You are different, you share your huge achievements and strengths, but you are also open about your weaknesses. You don’t use the labels e.g. vegan, you don’t wear all the brands, you hardly ever do ad posts unless you have genuine passion and interest in the products. You’re relatable on many levels and I love it!
you’re an amazing young woman ! i am way older than you and i am inspired by your journey …. stay awesome !
I’m really looking forward to your reading your next blogs Milly. So relatable, honest and easy to read. Thank you.
You are adorable. All your family must be so proud. Don’t feel guilty, wasted energy as you know. I know of a high profile NZer that said he gave up his addictions to cocaine , weed & booze but the hardest thing of all was tobacco!!! Go easy on yourself honey, you’ll get there. Just stay focused on all the great things you do & have achieved. 🌸
Agreed! This doesn’t change our opinion of you , if anything we admire you more! Give vaping a go – I know lots of smokers who’ve given up by vaping. It smells so much nicer too!
I think it just makes you more human. We all go through stages like this and alot of us deal with stress in similar ways. Its great to overcome the things that do stress us out and make us want to rebel against ourselves. And its great that you are aware of these things that do impact you in a negative way, but even greater that you have a plan of preventative action. Well done and keep at it.
such a hard one trying to quit, I was hooked for 20 years but it is true what they say. One day you will just wake up and say I have had enough. I tried everything and it was a full on night on the wines and chain smoking and waking up the next morning feeling like absolute poo (you know that ashtray feeling!) and just being like nuh i cant do this. And that was it. Sure I have fallen off a couple of times whilst drinking but thats all it is, fallen off……..its not a life emergency! I get back on the no smoking train straight away. Good luck it is one of the hardest things you will ever do is kicking it the curb
It is one of those crazy addictions huh? I smoke, a lot sometimes, worse when I’m stressed or drinking, my partner died suddenly also, he hated me smoking, my Dad died slow and painful like yours, he hated it too. I don’t have that want to give up despite knowing what it is doing to me…. I’m an articulate, smart, well respected business woman and yet I choose to constantly feed my addiction!!! Imparting ridiculous amounts of money to do so!!! It makes no sense! I plead with my children, some of whom are teenagers to never put themselves in the position where they too are chased by the demon! They don’t love that I smoke either. You’re very relatable for me, no one can judge another’s struggles, I’m proud of both you and I and where we are in our lives when we have faced what we have. Keep it up beautiful girl. From Ronni in little old Christchurch NZ xx
Millie you are an amazing role model. No one is ever perfect and I so admire what you have been through. I am an ex smoker and had triggers like coffee and alcohol that made me reach for a cigarette. Nowadays I still enjoy coffee and a wine but no cigarettes so its all relative. You live an amazingly healthy lifestyle so be kind to yourself xx
It is what it is and no one has the right to judge. A lot of us have a “dirty little secret” in our lives, you are just honest enough to share yours. May we all be as grave as you. ❤️
Brave, silly spell check lol. May we all be as grave as you 😂❤️
This definitely doesn’t change the way I see you as a person. Nobody is perfect and I love that you don’t try to be. So who are we to judge. You are authentic and real but also kind and gracious in all that you do. I love that. Continue to be kind to yourself and never forget that you are worthy and you are enough. Head up beautiful 💛
Oh, I face the exact same struggles as you. I am ‘healthy’ with my diet and exercise. I am a community leader and role model to many. I’m fit and happy but I have had a problem with the ciggies for 12 years now I’m 27. Its also a dirty lil secret. I used to smoke full time and now I have reduced to one ciggie here and there (stress related too!). The first step is awareness and then investigating which it’s obvious that you are doing. No one is perfect, we are human. Be compassionate to yourself. My guilty pleasure is splifs. I’m into the green but the splif game got me trapped – I haven’t ‘smoked’ for a while but I’ve still been smoking every night through having a spliff. I am also working on changing my environment (going into a clean/ super straight house hold that strictly said no smokers and then cutting my daily alcahol and weed and replacing it with yoga and meditation. I’m really proud of my progress after years of self destructive / addictive behaviours and I’m well aware it’s a journey. Ur not alone and keep going girl. Don’t even worry about what others think? We are who we are and we should all try to be less judgemental xo
Your human and that why we love you, for your fresh honest perspective on life. I also have smoked since about age 14….stealing my grandmothers pall mall reds lol. I was predominantly a social smoker most of my life but finally managed to quit for three years until a very unhealthy rekationship break up …broke me and what was the first thing I turned to….cigarettes. I’ve been smoke free now for another three years and to be honest it was only because I fell pregnant…at 42 I can happily say smoking and I have now parted ways and I couldn’t be happier…. hopefully it will happen for you to when the right stars and curcumstances allow. M
Your amazing millie always so good to read your blogs. No way it does not change you as a person. Your an inspiration. ❤
My mum was dying of terminal cancer and i was also addicted to smoking….i was 21. She had never smoked and i was living with her, watching the disgusting way cancer was ravaging her body and she had never smoked. She was 48. I absolutely feel like i couldn’t make it through without it. I would sneak down to the beach for a cigarette in moments i could escape while caring for her. After she passed i continued…. i then had times where i could give up and stress would arrive and i would relapse. I am now 33. I have 3 kids and have not been addicted to smoking for 9 years. I have puffed on a cigarette 2 years ago but could not stand it. I am absolutely cured of that addiction. You will definitely get there!
Fan-fucking-tastic!!! Keep up the great work, and keep being real.
Nicotine addiction is so hard to break.
I smoked for 16 years, from the time I was 16.
I am coming up 7 years smoke-free and have never looked back.
I know how you feel about smoking, I felt vile and was in this horrible cycle of feeling like shit for smoking (as a single parent on a benefit I was also acutely aware that as the prices of cigarettes rose, I was potentially taking food out of my child’s mouth) and needing to smoke because I felt like shit.
I tried to give up twice. The first time I used patches and stopped for a week.
The second time I went cold turkey and used daily yoga, yogic breathing and increased water consumption to help me quit.
This lasted for three months until one of my best girlfriends came to stay. She was still a smoker at the time, and I started up again because watching her smoke made me feel like I was missing out.
My third and final attempt at quitting was quite unplanned.
I was at a pre-Christmas work dinner, sitting outside the venue having a smoke with a bunch of other people, and we were discussing the cost of smoking and the next price rise due to take effect in January 2006.
I offered that I would probably make quitting my New Year’s resolution, and a lady at the table completely rubbished the idea – basically telling me that New Year’s resolutions don’t work, and if I was going to approach quitting as a resolution, I’d never succeed.
Her comment made me feel quite down. I already doubted my ability to give up smokes, and she made me feel worse.
I brought my last packet on New Year’s Eve 2005, and on the morning of January 3rd I was down to one smoke.
My cousin gave birth to a beautiful baby girl that morning, and I thought about how wonderful it would be if she could grow up never knowing me as a smoker.
I had my last cigarette before heading to the hospital, and once we were there it was really nice to be the only non-smoker left in the hospital room. I had our new baby all to myself and enjoyed cuddles while the other women in my family traipsed outside to smoke.
The first two weeks were really rough – I felt like I was sweating the nicotine and toxins out of my pores.
I drank lots of water and iced tea.
I signed up to quit.org.nz so that I could track my quit stats, and read the message boards for advice and inspiration.
After 48 hours, I forced myself out to visit my smoker friends and family members, and kept company with other smokers.
I didn’t want to tuck myself away for a couple of weeks and then find that I was tempted once I started exposing myself to smokes and smoking.
I gave myself a lot of rope and made it ok to fail. At the start of each day I told myself that I just needed to make it through this one day.
That if I really wanted to smoke the following day, and if it all seemed like too much, I’d go out and buy some smokes and at least I’d say I had tried.
A friend told me that she used the same strategy through the day – every time a craving became too hard, she told herself that she just had to get through the next 10 minutes and if she was still craving, she would smoke.
I think each time you make it through 10 minutes, and each time you wake up and know you made it through another day without smoking, you just feel stronger and stronger.
I found myself inadvertently giving up drinking (mostly).
I went from drinking almost every second weekend, to drinking perhaps a total of five times over an entire year.
I began smoking when I started drinking, and the two always went hand in hand for me.
I was too afraid of getting drunk and jeopardizing my progress, so I stayed away from drinking, and never went back to my old frequency – added health benefit!
If someone had told me when I was contemplating quitting, that it’d change my drinking habits, I’d never have quit!
I too found that the morning cuppa and smoke ritual was hard to break.
As was the after dinner smoke.
The just-got-out-of-the-car-in-town smoke.
The morning/afternoon tea break smoke.
The after work smoke, and the before bed smoke.
And the “Fuck-I’need-a-smoke” smoke was toughest of all.
I believe that smoking is a massive emotional crutch for most women.
When I was stressed or sad and really felt like I needed to smoke, I would head outside as I always used to if I was going to light up, but instead I’d centre myself and take a few deep breaths.
I don’t know whether you have ever tried tapping Millie -but perhaps this could help when you’re really feeling it. Or perhaps creating and using kinesthetic anchors. You just need another action to employ when you are experiencing emotional or stress triggers.
I didn’t have much in my spiritual toolkit when I quit – I’d have so much more to use if I had to tackle something like that now.
I also kept thinking about that woman who told me I’d never be able to do it, and it made me determined to prove her wrong.
And I thought about our baby girl, how special my quit date was, and what sort of messages I wanted to send her as she grew up.
After my first week, I used the money I would have spent on cigarettes, and I brought her a sterling silver bangle.
You have to approach this with kindness and compassion for yourself Millie.
Focus on all the small wins.
I personally loved logging in to the quit.org site each week and checking on my stats – seeing how much tobacco I hadn’t smoked, how many days I’d gone, and how much money I had saved. That simple tracker kept me really motivated and gave me a tangible sense of achievement.
I never ended up with a huge savings account or heaps of extra money, but what happened was that we started eating better.
An extra $30 a week brought more fruit and veg, and better quality foods, and I was proud of that.
After a month I knew in my gut that I would never smoke again as long as I live.
To be honest, I don’t think my heart was 100% in it at the start – I gave myself so many opportunities to bow out, and felt like I needed to have that option. I even told the few friends and family who knew about my attempt that I was just going to give it a try, and if it didn’t work out, it didn’t work out.
When I look back at where I was and how ingrained smoking was in my life, I am often still blown away at what I’ve achieved.
Keep a little book or journal handy and when you’re really craving for a smoke, do a little free writing and look at what the feelings behind the craving are. It might be a process that you are already familiar with, but often if we can identify the feeling beneath the want/need and address it, we can negate the need.
You are such a strong woman with many great people and resources at your disposal.
You have already accomplished so much in your life and I know that you’ve got this.
Feel free to post and let your followers know when you’re finding it really hard and I’m sure you will receive an abundance of encouragement and support to help you through some of those shitty moments.
Love your beautiful soul, and your humanity in equal measure.
Kia kaha
Ebony
You have nothing to be ashamed of and it certainly doesn’t change my opinion of you. You have changed and lived life for the better, everyday being aware of who you are and inspiring many with your honesty.
I gave up smoking a few years ago now but it was all about the habit….every time I drove I felt like I should have one, cup of tea, lunch time and especially when drinking. My husband has just recently given up. He started with champix and then went on to use a vape with syrups that contained 6mg of nicotine, and is now on the 0mg. Just be you and don’t beat yourself up over it. You have made the right choices so far xx you are one amazing and incredible woman so just keep being you 🙂
If you were 100% perfect& polished and considered, and didn’t have any of the struggles we all face, it would make your lifestyle unatainable and a unrealrealistc. It just makes you more accessible and your messages and achevievments more credible. X
Does not change my opinion of you in the slightest Millie. Try not to be so hard on yourself and remember all you have achieved and overcome. I know how hard this is to do at times and others can often see in us what we struggle to see in ourselves. I have spend most my life being my own worst enemy and I am much older than you and only learning now what a waste of happiness that is. Keeping rocking girl xxx
You are really an awesome woman and go you for kicking the habit. In 2 days time it will have been 2 years since I quit smoking. I’ve had 1 slip up since then after my dad passed away from metastatic lung cancer earlier this year. I still deal with cravings a lot and in the first year my dreams were absolutely crazy. I found forming new good habits is the way to combat cravings. Much like you changing from coffee to apple cider vinegar I’ve been through a million different routine changes (including eventually going back to coffee!) and 2 years on I’m happy to say ciggies aren’t my first thought every morning. Remember you’ve quit because YOU WANT TO and keep reminding yourself of that <3
I think smoking is one of the hardest addictions to recover from. With drugs and alcohol they affect your life whereas smoking just affects your health, which isn’t visible. It took me years of starting and stopping to quit, and still today I know if I have just one puff I will likely end up smoking again. Good for you owning your stuff! I was just saying to a good friend this morning that I think taking responsibility and owning your stuff is a huge part of happiness. Thanks for being inspiring x
You are an amazing young woman Millie. You’ve been through some really tough times in your short life. Please don’t beat yourself up for the sake of one little vice. You have overcome so many obstacles and made so many positive changes, kicking your dirty little secret will happen too. In your own time when you are really ready, it will happen. X
Makes you even more amazing – noones perfect (we / myself) all have addiction issues. As long as it’s not destructive you can’t beat yourself up. We all have a story and until you’ve walked in someone’s shoes, if anyone wants to judge us, a big middle finger to them!! (I still think of you everyday I drive past “morries lunchbar” in the mount) so good to see you happy xx
Totally doesn’t make me unfollow you. I used to smoke I gave up, took me several goes. I agree smoking is awful for you. Our two year old son died five years ago and my husband starting smoking again and a lot more than ever in the first few years. He said it was his time to get away and be with his grief. I didn’t start smoking again and I wish my husband didn’t but I totally think it is up to him and understand why. He has just started vaping and it has really reduced his smoking, he only does vaping doesn’t smoke cigarettes anymore, doesn’t vape during day now and it’s meant to be heaps better for you. Have you tried that? Good luck with your journey on this. It is just another addiction, once you get in the right head space you will beat it. That’s how I overcame it. I lost my son and my Dad I understand grief and it is a continual challenge in your life. I wish you all the best xx
You’re human. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ll get there when you’re ready. When I stopped my over 20 a day habit, it was Oprah ringing in my ears ‘listen to your body’ I couldn’t breathe with asthma. It was time. Did it cold turkey and haven’t had a puff since 12 nov 1998. You will get there in your own time.
Not at all. Everyone has something, this is yours (and mine actually) I know exactly how you feel. Hate it but can’t quite let it go..
keep trying, you’ll get there
X H
Hi Millie, I smoked hardcore for 16 years and thought i’d never quit. My partner got me an e-cigarette and I haven’t smoked now in 18 months! I could never have quit cigs without it.
Love this post, I struggle with ’emotional smoking’ on and off and this was really helpful…though i have to admit it wasn’t the best kept secret that you still somehow smoke as i remember seeing an insagram photo about a year ago where you had tried to sneakily crop out the cigarette between your fingers … :p
I loved this article… Thank you so much and I will not stop following you for this because I to have a simular dirty little secret… I’m new to my area & alone alot as I know zero people. My partner smokes and I occasionally grab one of his and when I’m alone smoke. I find it helps me relax but I have to stop before it becomes a full blown addiction again.