I don’t know if the way I deal with things is healthy or correct in the eyes of society. I don’t try to remember the day my dad died, I don’t enjoy to remember the day Connor passed either. It’s hard remembering someone on the day they left you, there’s a lot of ugly memories for me.
With my dad I had left the day before to go and spend time with Connor. I had essentially been living with my dad and I hadn’t seen Connor in a month or so I remember feeling guilty as i left and dad telling me “go on baby, live your life” – these were the last words he spoke to me.
When Deborah called us in the middle of the night with the news that he had passed away we drove down to Hawke’s Bay straight away. It was a whirlwind of emotions, media and funeral arrangements.
I don’t think I have to go into why I hate remembering the anniversary of Connor’s death.
For me I try to remember them daily, in my day to day, that they are with me in the quiet moments on the beach, or that they follow and guide me on my life path protecting me in their own ways and whispering their sayings and words of encouragement in my ear.
I remember them with a smile when I can, and when a smile is to hard to bear, I cry for them.
Grief is the strangest thing – it’s cruel, twisted and hurtful. It’s depressing and lonely…. but it makes you learn oh so much about yourself. It can make you strong, reflective and appreciative of how precious life really is.
Nothing is only negative.
These are the things I tell myself to cope with my loss. I believe them and they help me.
Hopefully they can help you a little too.